I’m in love again since we spoke Realtalk with each other and since I tried to forget the negative aspects and concentrate on the positive ones. It changed since my behaviour changed. We both are like we were before 2 years now when everything began. Seeing the positive was already my thing but I excluded him. Because I had the pressure that he had to be the perfect man to be loved by me. But this is nonsense and it will never work. He stays like he is and I look at him with different eyes. Point. And in the end of the story a smile can fix a lot.
When you think that I am sitting in my bed all day doing nothing you are WRONG. I am sitting all day in my bed thinking about my plans, philosophy and what creative things I could do next.
I’m scared. About the work which will come. About that I don’t get it in time. But the problem is that I have to start. But a big power holds me back. What can I do? I feel no power. I’m stuck in a cage and I can’t escape. “Please help me” is my whispered scream. But nobody listens. The people say: “I will think at you, you will do it.”
But I don’t believe in myself. My willpower is low. I think I will fail again. And even when I finally start..it’s a huge mountain which I can’t climb. Is this what I am doing the right thing for me? I mean I have to learn discipline anyway. But after this mountain there is another mountain next to him. So when will life become more easy? I just don’t know..
When you have a personality like me you tend to please everyone around you. It’s easier to avoid conflicts and you feel like everything is alright. But sooner or later you will explode. Cause your needs will cross the needs of other persons and you see what you loose. This blog is a part of my explosion.
No.. I will not start to be unfriendly now. But I will share my own opinions and needs even if I now that could end in a discussion of fights or I could feel uncomfortable
because I am not used to it. I am a strong woman who is afraid of confrontations. But this will stop. I will show my strength. I will be brave.
I realize that my real eyes saw a lot of shit. And I am a bit sarcastic since a while.
I am not a writer. I am going to be a writer. You will see as you go through my words that I am handicapped when it comes to use the English language, because I am german. Yes it’s alright you can make jokes about my nationality. I will make jokes about your disability to reflect your thoughts. This is a nerd blog. An introvert nerd blog. No lifestyle bla bla.
Don’t take it too seriously because laughing about things is the best way to deal with life. People think that I am a serious person, but they know nothing about me. They only know what they wish to know. And that’s perfect. I can play my role and they play their role.
I don’t write this blog for anyone. This time I will not present what I do to you on a silver plate. This is mine. I don’t care what society or my friends or my family thinks about it. This seems already like a blog from a negative mind. A total jerk.
But I’m done with thinking what you might find funny, or interesting.. I am not fishing for compliments here.
This is me – real – without makeup